GOP Dummies Of The Month Club! Nominations, Please! The April Winners Are...

There must be a book out there somewhere, titled 'GOP For Dummies', so I will refrain from writing a sequel. Instead, let this be the beginning of monthly awards for GOP Dummies of The Month. Much like American Idol, I will accept votes for future GOP Dummies, but for the month of April, the results are in. The prizes for these dummies will range from winning the GOP nomination for President in 2012, all the way to having a place of honor in the history books of our country, right along side our famous slavery-hating founders. There are so many GOP Dummies that it will be very difficult to choose who will get the top honors every month, but I will try my best to narrow it down.

The winner for the month of April is clearly Donald Trump. It may be argued that he is more likely the GOP Clown of the Month, but he has earned top honors in both categories. What a feat! Trump, complete with Aqua Net Firm Hold, has decided that he is a birther. He has hired investigators to travel to Hawaii, where they will uncover the greatest scam ever perpetrated on the people of America. You go, Dummy Donald!

This was close, for sure. So many qualified nominees, but runner-up dummy is very serious. If, for some reason, Trump cannot perform the duties that come with the title, the runner-up GOP dummy will wear the crown. GOP Runner-up Dummy for the month of April is the always loveable, straight from Fox World, Glenn Beck. His proven stupidity and obscene remarks about Planned Parenthood almost won him first place, and if he continues to strive for it, he will certainly have a chance to run away with the title next month. Yes, Glenn, only hookers use Planned Parenthood!

This is about the top five, folks!

• In third place for the GOP Dummy for the month of April, is the sweetheart and pin-up girl of the Tea Party Movement, Michele Bachmann. Have a feeling this simple farm girl (she also won the Miss Farm Subsidy crown!), tax lawyer, lover of history, and religious zealot who is afraid of breast pumps, is always full of life and colorful statements meant to inspire the masses. This legend in her own mind has announced an exploratory committee to find out if she can garner enough support to actually win this title in May.
• Not to be outdone is the fourth place finisher for title of GOP Dummy of the Month. Representative Alan Hale, a freshman TeaPublican legislator from Montana, who so eloquently said that “taverns and bars connect people together” and are “the centers of our communities”. To get to them, said Hale, “you must drive,” and that DUI laws “are destroying a way of life” and should be eliminated.
• In the rear Paul Ryan, the budget cutting, corporate tax slashing, Medicare and Medicaid killing King of the GOP, finishes in fifth place for GOP Dummy for the month of April. Even though his 'bold' and provocative Path to Prosperity is all the rage among the party faithful, it is a plagiarized Path. There is nothing new in the Path. It is the same old and tired platform that the GOP rolls out every year. Yes, he has gussied it up with a new name and erroneous, now redacted graphs from the Heritage Foundation, Ryan could not win the crown. To qualify for title of GOP Dummy of the Month, you must do your own work. It must be original and the Path is anything but...

This is the kick-off to what will be a very competitive monthly contest. You may return to this article, and leave your nominations for future months. You must write a short nominating speech that outlines the qualifications of your favorite dummy. Your nomination and your name will both be credited and printed. Remember, May is almost here. Keep track of what your favorite dummy says during the month of May. Please make your nominations before the end of the month. Also, don't lie. That is reserved for the dummies! All nominee references will be checked...